SimonThePieman@Brunei (BH4: Brunei Hetero Hash House Harriers)

Lumapas

2011-03-29T12:34:00.004+08:00

For those who didnt make it to Lumapas the words written by Psycho are here:Run nº: 1303 Date: 11-03-11 Site: Lumapas Hares: Pieman Horn: James

Who in their right mind would leave the house at 4pm for hash anyway? That’s the kind of question that you get if you have never ever or have no idea on the distance that you have to travel to get to the hash site. Panda and I drove along the lovely quiet serene scenic road. Since it was still a tad bit early we just drove straight towards Sungai Kebun (doing the tourist thing –ed.) to have a look at the water village. After spotting a few people thinking twice of driving through the ever treacherous muddy rocky cliff on each side road, Panda decided to park outside. But seeing all the cars zooming past, we decided to be adventurous and drive through (Yuck –ed.)

Hash site seems so far so good A-OK. Obviously the on paper goes uphill. Horn blows on time, almost or late depends on whose watch you are looking at, unfortunately he needs more music lessons (we really miss virtuoso –ed.). So up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up. It’s a big hill (duh-ed.)

True to their word, the hares led us through slippery slopes with ropes to help pull you up and help you down. For some of us who went into paranoid mode go really painfully slow. Going on hands and knees. Climbing rock walls. Slipping on rocks and other stuff.

Hysterics start to kick in when you start climbing past the ridge. Why? Because you are walking on the bloody side of the cliff! Wrong move and you kerrrrsplat on the trees below. It sure does not help anybody at all to have a screaming psychotic woman refusing to move stand in front of them. A slow and painful climb that took 30 minutes, we got to a nice plateau. So here’s the low down.

We caught up with Colonel, Ming and Crusher at the waterfall. Tom and Carmen caught up with us. A few people ran past us as we climb the second leg of the hill. Tom left Carmen on a nice ridge while he checks out the death defying cliff walk. It took Panda half an hour to coax a hysterical Psycho up to the plateau. While this was happening, Tom was sliding down on his bum, Walking Fingers and Storyteller was climbing up, taking pictures all the way. Gasher climbed up just as we were enjoying the view and taking pictures and trying to fix storyteller’s camera. Crusher decided to break away from |Colonel and Ming and walk back down to where we were and we all climbed down just as the sun was setting.

We were apparently the last ones out. Shout out commenced with the hares, Pieman and his co-hares, Pee Wee and Ben. They were duly told that some people almost died (Over Drama – ed.) There were no first time guests. There were no returning hashers. Horn was down downed and passed on to Gasher who tried to pull peoples leg by not knowing how to blow (straight men don’t blow-ed) . Hashshit went to James (who was horn-ed.) for calling Gasher’s humanoid name. Taco and Siong got hash shit for not doing their jobs (They are RA’s – ed.) and Heather was caught texting during shout up and replaced her husband on the ice (Such love, such sacrifice –ed.). Clement and Readymix had a birthday beer each. Count of Monte Cristo told a joke about Red Riding Hood and a shitting Wolf. Ben told a joke about wrestling. Where hence Psycho just lovessssssssss to act out the parts. Which everybody enjoys (who doesn’t enjoy someone making a funny-ed.) There was a lot of wonderful curry and rice and poppadum’s to go around for seconds and thirds. Next Week’s run is Tanjung Bunut Kanan. On On!

REMINDER FROM JM: PICK UP YOUR TRASH! STACK YOUR CHAIRS! BRING A TORCH, WATER , PHONE AND A BUDDY INTO THE JUNGLE.

Lofty Lumapas

2011-03-13T11:10:00.003+08:00

Last week, once again, saw the re-entry of the collective mass that is the Hetero-Hash into jungle that we know as Diplo. With three well-seasoned hares at the helm we were set an extremely long and somewhat arduous run. The run was a lot ‘harder’ for some than it was for others with Mr. Sneeze taking a nasty fall and dislocating his shoulder. Thankfully an injury the majority of us have never had the misfortune to encounter (though we have doubtless all had a few cuts and bruises and other numerous ailments courtesy of the wild jungles of Borneo).
I’m sure being stuck in the jungle until 9.30 did nothing for his well-being nor his sense of humour but am sure those who were with him during his ordeal did their best to keep him comfortable. I met Inspector Gadget the next day who told me Mr. Sneeze was taken off-site about 9.30pm and (he’d been reliably informed) whisked to the nearest Chinese expert at muscle and joint manipulation.
This was obviously upgraded to entry to RIPAS and an ‘operation’ according to hash missives received. He replied to my text message which would mean that he has the use of one hand at least.
We hope that Mr. Sneeze is already on his way to a rapid recovery.

I’m not au fait with the names of all the ‘bukits’ and streams and rivers and what-not in Diplo but whatever the geographical features were called we crossed each one of them at least half a dozen times and went up and down every bloody hill in there at least double that number.
I got the impression at one point the hares were taking the piss as we came up then down the same ridge at least 6 times in as many minutes.

Ordinarily I relish this kind of masochistic self-flagellation but as I have recently fallen foul of some rather nasty sickness I’d been ‘off ‘running by order of my esteemed physician for almost two months. This week’s run, being only my second since our last jaunt up Serasa Hill prior to being stricken by said malady, was a run where I had vowed to myself to take it nice and easy.
Taking it ‘nice and easy’ is always easier said than done when you ‘feel-the-need-for-speed’ in order to overtake someone moving at a snail’s pace with an arse like the side of a house whom you have been stuck behind for ten minutes despite calling ‘coming through’.

At one point, after an hour or so of going ‘hell-for-leather’ whilst simultaneously checking my pulse to try to keep it below 180b.p.m., I was able to get quite near the front. This rather cunning move was achieved by cutting across and down a steep hill at a tangent to the direction the hoi-polloi were heading ,which in ‘hash-speak’ of olden days, when we could swear on the hash, is known as being a ‘short-cutting bastard’.

I crashed my clumsy way towards the runner who was calling the paper ‘back’ after the 2nd check, passing the Duke of Wellington en route. I met Tummy Sucker at the very bottom of this slippery incline who informed me that it was Ah Cock who’d found the on paper. Not long after this we came upon the waterfall at the huge fallen Dipterocarp (did you know that North Borneo [Brunei, Sabah and Sarawak] is the richest area in the world for the dipterocarp tree species?) and it was at this point I got the distinct impression we were almost out.

Soon after that Taco caught up then after he had chatted to me about a nice piece of Wensleydale he had had on a Jacob’s Cream Cracker that very afternoon and enquired as to how family life was, he bid me a polite farewell then trotted off up the next hill as nimbly as a mountain goat; leaving me to battle on.

I could go on here but as am sure the blood has stopped making its turgid way past your knees which are resting on your weary post-hash thighs as you read this on the dunny/bog/w.c. I suspect it is time I drew these hash-words to a close.

I eventually got out not that far behind the FRBs at just about 7.00pm, red-faced and knackered but extremely content. Not long after that when the dribs and drabs of the more physically inclined of the Hetero hash had come out sweating and panting from the rainforest and were soon suitably refreshed and in fresh threads. The less physically inclined were also in situ replete with deck-chairs, their hair of newt, gall bladder of goat and fag of Marlboro, the sun was well past it’s bed-time, so the shout-up commenced.

The shouting-up proceedings were minus one JM, Mr. Gary Chalmers, aka, The Count of Monte Cristo. This left an opening for none other than Captain Darling to step in temporarily as that evening’s JM alongside the deliciously mental but well-loved darling of the Ladies and Hetero Hash, Psycho. Darling is not quite bona-fide JM material yet as he has still to be mindful of the requisites that are necessary for anyone wanting to fill JM boots.
Having not completed the allotted number of runs, a total of 50, keeps this Captain from taking over from the Count who in actual fact also still has a few hashing months in him before handing over the proverbial reins.
That said it was observed by the assembled throng that ‘Darling’ can address the crowd in a pleasing fashion and it’s also been noted that his wit, poise, charisma and chest hair will counter balance with the champagne-glass-shattering-squeaky voice, fag-waving antics and random mutterings of Psycho very nicely, thank-you-very-much.

The three Hares Nameless, Jamal and Wan were commended on their ‘short’ run with Taco taking centre stage and offering up his learned opinion on just how short.
Nameless’ son was introduced as a guest, the first that I recall from Lawas, which was great to see and a few other announcements were….announced. Alice in Wonderland bravely got up and told some rather risqué jokes to a stunned and mostly silent hash as several of the more senior members were cooling their cheeks on the ice.
It was pointed out that cameras to catch the vista atop the first ridge at Lumapas the following week might be a good idea and then the sinners and lone joker were ‘taken-away’. This weeks’ run at Lumapas was announced to some moans and groans from the ‘we-love–Diplo and-can’t-be-bothered with-the-drive’ crowd but some cries of delight went up from some of the more stalwart hash members who recall its steep delights and closeness to the border.

‘On-on’ was then shouted. Everyone shuffled into the concentration camp like queue and was served that evening’s fine fare. I got there just before Jet got there for ‘thirds’ observing whilst I stood (at an ear protecting distance) that he still has a cat-like-agility when it comes to sustenance and in making sure he gets as much in him as is humanly possible. I’d have thought a left leg like a caveman’s club would have slowed him down?

Anyway, a few words about this week’s run for those who might not wait till they are on the bog on Saturday morning to read these very words.
Ben ‘the Glove’ Parry and Pee-Wee kindly volunteered to assist me on one recce and deserve humongous praise for their mighty efforts and for giving up one of their precious Sundays, especially as Pee Wee even drew blood.

The trail cut for the hash will eventually get out to the path leading up to the Trig Point atop Bukit Saie. Those with fitness levels like Lone Ranger, Taco, Poh-Sheng and Ah Cock to name a few may well want to give this a shot knowing all they have to do is double-back and come back down to the ‘out-paper’.
However, if you are a slow-walking hasher and have doubts about your fitness level don’t bother as there is not enough time for you to get up there (trig-point elevation is 180 metres) and back out onto the paper before dark. Stay on paper!

Subok 67-Friday 17th Dec, 2010

2010-12-19T12:25:00.006+08:00

After a bit of a blogging gap one is here again, albeit briefly, to inform, aggravate, educate and salivate over hashing triviata.
The hash that has so much class that it is coming out it's own arse once again found itself assembled at that lovely airy site atop the Subok Ridge. Sparse though the numbers were with the majority of the hallowed pedagogical prima donnas off to shores less hospitable for that annual guilt assuagement or to break the knee-caps of those nasty, defaulting peasant house-renters, things were cosy.
The run was imaginative with even a near vertical slope to ascend which scared the bejesus out of one red-faced lady but was enjoyed by the rest. A few of the more skilled and wise hashers skirted a huge chunk of the hash and in turn expended 568 less calories than those of us who did the whole thing. Slippery Nipple made it out first 'Why ah! got so big tummy one ah' Having made yours truly feel like a huge fat bastard in that wonderfully candid Bruneian way that I still can't bring myself to use on a daily basis.

Hypothetical/wishful-thinking conversation using said technique
'Hey! not seen you for ages...you look ancient, knackered, fat and kinda mingin, and what's wi' the frumpy Cinderella dress? and Jeez, what's that shit on your face?, and shouldn't you be wearing a bra for f*&k sake!?'

The greeting from an orang putih point of view...
'Oh hi! how ya doin?....You look ......great!''

Having been relieved of JM position it was nice to sit and observe again after so long. Given how tempting it was to shout abuse at the new JM it made me think that in fact the hash in effect is rather polite in the main.
I'm thinking that perhaps the hash is giving the new chap The Count Of Monte Cristo a chance to get his feet under the table, a task he is coping with remarkably well given he is after all a Science teacher in real-life.
It was noted though that he had stolen Russel Crowe's Gladiator sandals and that if he keeps his word we will be expecting to view additional Romanesque garments to embelish the look for future shout-ups.
Hash shit will be demanded if he decides to add terry-toweling socks to the future ensemble.

A lovely chap is our Gary with impeccable manners who is very well designed for the role as JM alongside the wonderful if slightly bananas Psycho. Gary however comes with the added benefit of being able to tell jokes at the drop of a hat, all in keeping of course with his cunning plan of becoming a stand-up comedian back in Blackpool's pier when he retires from Brunei in the future.

From what I can gather next weeks's run will be an elaborate affair, with meals on wheels, wet t-shirt competitions, lady-boy Santa helpers mud wrestling and prizes for the best reindeer costume up for grabs and a run at some point.

I will come back in with the locales for both the Wednesday Run for the Chaps and for the site for this most esteemed hash asap.

Simon The Pieman.

p.s. what is/was all that gibberish in the chatbox?

Windybar and After-Hours' Last Run for a While?

2010-07-23T12:05:00.007+08:00

Tonight sees the BH4 at Diplo and will possibly be the last time we see Windybar and After-Hours for a few months.
Windybar was slightly under the weather last week so hopefully he will be on his feet again tonight.
We have a grainy picture from a rainy night some years back when Windybar excelled in a tutu, something he does in the privacy of his own home these days. Allegedly it's a hobby he will be taking up more seriously during his hashing hiatus.

We have also included a picture (taken from a speeding boat) of a lovely sunset on the water of Brunei Bay-another thing Windybar and Sonia will miss.
Here's hoping it won't be too long before they are back again.

This week's blog comes complete with it's own hash quickie crossword.
The first person to finish it and e-mail the editor with the puzzle gets a hash t-shirt, a 'backy' on Jet's bike and the chance to jet-ski naked in Brunei Bay with Justin Bieber's hermaphrodite footballer uncle from Real Madrid, Enrique Eglesias. Runner-up entrants will receive dance-studio 'vouchers' from 'Dances With Hamsters' in Qlap.

Clues Across

1. When a camera or a hot female caresses his stomach this hasher pulls it in.
2. Windybar was _____ing and blinding like a trooper after he pulled a mussel. Cor lumme mate an all that.
3.She's a hash icon or an annoying little blue thing with a high-pitched voice.
4.Brett Easton Ellis's well dressed American gent and purple wearing lime-light lover.
5. Hedus never had one till recently.
6. This specialist's mucky collection is a trifle fishy (Dr._____)
7. This 'crafty' wordsmith (_______) got her claws in and escaped to the southern hemisphere

Clues Down

1. Big and gnarly, they are multitudinous during a hash.
2.If you want a hot bitch she'll sort you out.
3. Wild clawed animal, after a while it comes out of Pee Wee first (5,3)
4.Jet fuel but in a back-pack macam biasa.

Friday 16th July

2010-07-16T16:50:00.003+08:00

Run site up Muara end of Jalan Muara.
Not too far from Shell Garage and highway short-cut.

BLT Sandwiches, Chops, Lord Francis, Apple Sauce and The Filth.

2010-07-08T19:49:00.009+08:00

In a doubtless futile bid to have new readers think the blog is current and updated on a regular basis, the lazy bastard of an editor had hoped to scramble together a group of crack journalists for a stunning and wildly enthusiastic, adjective-filled last minute article. This bloggette, it was hoped, was to cover things like up-to-the-minute reports on how the Interhash went, sex change operations, recipes for apple sauce and ways of taunting the police in Newcastle, but, as news from Kuching has been thin on the ground, and Ex JM-Clairey-Pee-Wee is off in Outer Mongolia you will just have to wait and get the long-winded but undoubtedly colourful live edition from Storyteller come Friday apres hash.

The editor has had numerous minor celebrities from the hashing world e-mail him for directions to this week's run and has heard some wild rumours of returning Ex-JM's revisiting Brunei's shores from that social/shagging/talking boring pish about yourself, your shitey life and bowel movements network website-Horsefacebook.

This is another reason the blog will be updated and then presumably left to gather dust for another month or so in the ether of www-land.

So in an effort to preserve what little interest you have left in this latest of stunningly vivid and breathtakingly descriptive of articles I shall insert the usual screen-grab from Google Earth showing where the hash is this week, Friday the 9th of July, 2010.
Incidentally, a nice man from Switzerland who wants to join the run tonight has gotten himself a room adjacent to the run-site in the Terrace Hotel so all those who normally wash at the back of their car can just walk back to his room instead for a shower, five minutes watching Ant and Dec then a quick rummage through his mini-bar prior to the shout-up.
I will be sure to call the reception tomorrow and shout-out his room number just as the horn gets us off into the shiggy.

Mention was made in last week's words of little paper, being careful when parking and amahs getting naked in the big scabby building like from Chernobyl up from the Piggie Market. This might suggest bringing a 4WD, a zoom lens for your camera and a torch though not necessarily in that order of importance.

I had an emergency call from a friend whose friend had gotten herself lost on the same trail last Tuesday night during a presumably well-planned sojourn into Tasek Lama. I was too late to be of any use in her rescue but word has it that after turning left instead of turning right (as any sane person at Tasek would in fading light) I hear she may have been lured into going off-piste by a ghostie.
It's been said that she could see a 'big pond' so methinks she might not have been as 'lost' as she might originally have thought.
You have been warned.

Be sure to welcome all those on their way back to climes less inviting after their doubtless fabulous time down in Kuching.
I also understand this may well be the last hash for a few stalwarts so you may also want to get along to the hash tonight to hear the dulcet tones of our hash tenor Jet.

Onnitus Maximus.

p.s. in the tradition of Esther Rantzen and that old guy with the squint's programme That's Life, it was noted in bobwhatson.com this week that a lady hailing from the Filipines and presumably looking for gainful employment was touting herself as being able to cook White Family.

Dastardly Psychotic Diplomacy

2010-06-15T19:48:00.008+08:00

This weeks' run will be set by Psycho and The Mob at DIPLO.
Coming out of town go up the road past Supaspend Mabohai towards Muara, through the traffic lights at Immigration, up and over the hill past the Ministry of Finance then right at the next traffic lights.

When questioned at last week's shout-up as to the nature of the run, i.e. whether it was going to be long, slippery or hard, Psycho remained disappointingly tight-lipped.

Shy and retiring and obviously quite unaccustomed to the limelight, Psycho dashed for cover several times during the shout-up as a camera was produced by new Hashflash Ah Meng, and was pointed in her general direction.

Wearing dowdy hash garments and looking somewhat unkempt its thought that Psycho is not really getting into the swing of things as the new Join Mistress of the Hetero Hash.

I obviously jest as its quite clear that she is loving the attention and has upped the ante with her hash outfits leaving all the other ladies on the shout-up reaching for their make-up and high heels/purple crocs in order to compete.

See youse at DIPLO!
Onnity.

p.s.thanks to Mr.Kevin Ironsides Murphy from Spain for this little gem....

Lugu Lagi

2010-04-23T16:26:00.004+08:00

Windybar and Co are at Lugu tonight.
On the road to Tutong five minutes out of Jerudong.
On the left hand side of the highway. Go in then up the hill past the tower and down the other side.
Follow the road to the left.

Onners.

Dadap

2010-04-15T19:16:00.003+08:00

Happy Clappy Lee's run on Friday the 16th April will be at Jalan Dadap.
See the attached Google Earth image for directions from Gaydong.

Ornithologists Anonymous

2010-04-11T20:43:00.011+08:00

This week's run at DIPLO was a great success, two virgin hares and many first time guests without a fatality or injury in sight. My dog chose not to have sex with anyone at the shout-up and the food was cheap but cheerful.
Copious tins were handed out but only two were handed back to me in the latter stages of the evening. Had this been Scotland and I on a 'night-out-with-the-lads' those who'd been handed a tin and not returned one later i.e. when it was their round, would have meant there would have been hell to pay. But then again it's Brunei and some people are just stingy bastards.

Anyway the real reason for updating the blog was to insert the wonderful letter that appeared in the Borneo Bulletin on Saturday 10th of April.
For those of you who are no longer in Brunei (and those who may have missed the newspaper on Saturday) am sure you will appreciate the heartfelt sentiments in the learned gentleman's words.

Jalan Dadap for next week's run.
Vance Clappy Lee being the hare.
Onnity.

Dangerously Saggy Things

2010-04-03T14:17:00.008+08:00

Last night saw us up at DST, an oft used site in days of old but since the barriers have gone up visits have dwindled somewhat.
In one of those front-running-bastard conversations one learned gentlemen did note however that trails were still of good nature and made for good pace as were the afore-mentioned front runners. Until at least the ‘road’ run-out when one formerly front runner was relegated to the fat bastard strata. One does note a huge disparity in fitness when one fails to run more than once a week. A definite nod to the likes of those hashers who put the effort in to hashing twice if not three times a week.
Gouda
The shout-up was minus tent and chairs again, I for one was tempted to say something dumb-ass just to get put on the ice for a seat. The hash, I'm reliably informed, is saving money and reducing their carbon footprint.
Edam
I learned how to say do you want to engage in hard sex (in Spanish) from Virtuoso, which as you well know if you have ever been to Tenerife or Acapulco is bound to come in handy. In the words of Lord Baden Powell (a man who thought about hashing but never got round to it) ‘be prepared’. If you are curious as to how to ask someone for rough sex (in Spanish) then approach Virtuoso next week. But butter him up with ‘usted quiera una cerveza? ‘first . The whole rough sex question came about when I was asking for Mal’s whereabouts. He said ‘car’, ‘wash-face’, ‘t-shirt’ so I obviously had to jazz things up a bit with some other gesticulations to check that was all Mal was up to and the conversation went vertical from there. He is a very nice chap is our Victor and despite the lack of reciprocal knowledge of vocabulary on both his and my side, laughs most definitely can and have been had. The hares were congratulated for their run being as it was long, well laid and just done that afternoon.
Kraft Cheese Slices
Medicine man was lauded for his terrific job with the wind instrument and then
Nameless and Slippery Nipple were cheered for their cumulative 900 runs, two cloggies became new members and then rather bizarrely (even for the hash) they both talked about Cheese and the making thereof. A goat was mentioned and then things were moved on swiftly lest the assembled crowd got any quieter.
Cheddar
Cobrahead was sporting a stookie (plaster-cast) from having gone on his arse and broke his arm at the Hyatt in Miri. It did make me wonder when I listened to those discussing suing the hotel as to why should the hotel be responsible for you failing to keep yourself in an upright position next to something which is clearly going to have some measure of moisture round its edges? Should we be able to sue an Indian restaurant for the ring of fire we experience when we devour one of their hot curries? Like the American woman suing the campervan company when she put it in ‘cruise-control’ then left the driver’s seat and went into the back to make a cup of coffee.

Stilton
The better looking of the two JM’s (the one with the hair) had been bitten in the eye by some insect and Martin the former-member-back-on-holiday told a fart joke. It had a ring of familiarity about it but it earned him a beer all the same. Mr Ben told a very short but very sweetly timed jokelet and Mr Raisin did similarly despite the heckling. Psycho told us a great joke with perfect timing and wonderful voice projection and funny to boot.
The baldy JM had a joke but it was nowhere as good as those already told so he kept his geggie shut.

Editor's Note
A rather alarming trend has begun to afflict the hash and one wonders if shopping trips further afield for underwear are required? One hopes for the sake of my eyes (and the eyes of any other males who enjoy the female form in more protected and appealing attire) that this horrifically lackadaisical trend will be curtailed sometime in the very near future. Given whilst viewing said abomination the temptation to stab my eyes with hot knitting needles is ever-present. One wonders if in fact some people think that the mere wearing of a hash t-shirt is similar to the donning of some holy grail of garments that somehow holds and restrains flesh in ways that only steel-reinforced undergarments are designed to. Should your flesh be youthful, vigorous and self-supporting and therefore oblivious to the negating effects of the pull of the earth’s magnetic fields then by all means go-go for it otherwise, have a heart, girls, restrain those puppies.
Gruyere
The editor received some complaints about his editing of photos in his post last week and he promises to post more appealing and attractive photos in the future. Apologies to anyone who cried themselves to sleep or otherwise felt hard-done-to and to their significant others for having to put up with any whingeing that thus ensued.
Emmental
Incidentally the hash next week is at DIPLO.
Up the hill from Supasave Mabohai, downhill past Immigration to the lights, uphill past the Finance Building then down and right at the traffic lights up towards the Malaysian High Commissioner’s residence.

Denny the GM's Run

2010-03-26T13:24:00.014+08:00

Run Tonight is at Subok 67.
Up the hill from Bandar.
Pass the car parks and water-taxi area on way out of town towards Kota Batu.
Turn left up the steep hill and follow road up then straight over mini-roundabout then up and down the hill.
The site is on your left more or less opposite the Singapore High Commission. Turn in and up the hill and turn right, drive slowly up the hill watching for non-hashers and over-grown trees.
Site is at the cul-de-sack at the very top.

I would say look out for H4 signs but that would lead one to presume you were an idiot and would not have thought of this.

Extract from the BH4 Magazine- We go in Deeper and stay in Longer

March 26th 2010

News out this week states that the firm Arseon, a fabricator of apparel for hashers and knee-pads for overworked amahs, has been commissioned to design a new pair of après hashing shorts. Testing is still believed to be underway with NASA scientists working closely with those on the hash who possess big fat wobbly buttocks (with those dimply bits like orange peel) and those more svelte runners who have fabulously athletic buns.
It’s thought at time of going to press that the shorts will be more popular (once they go into production) with those on the hash who are like skinned rabbits and therefore have less fatty-deposit-protection against the ice. One hasher who prefers to remain anonymous but is always winning races (and oddly counts every competitor he passes) had this to say-
‘It’s been a while since I’ve been on the ice but fuck me it’s hard on me ‘farmer giles’! I, for one, will be buying the shorts despite the shoddy workmanship and horrible colouring. My arse and I can’t afford to be too choosy’
Another hasher (who has buttocks like the side of a house) waddled off when the reporter asked for a comment. We shall try to catch up with them at a later date (maybe at MaCDonalds).
The shorts have caused a bit of a stir amongst the hashing fraternity. Some believe it’s an effort to regain popularity by the company after they produced shorts last year with elastic in them which caused STD like rashes on the wearer. Others dismiss the nasty slurs about the shorts and wear them weekly though it’s thought that they used to enjoy the shout-ups more when they didn’t have to hide in the car and shout the hash song out the window from 400 hundred yards away.
Previously the hash magazine had the benefit of Ironsides to consult in matters of some urgency and utmost importance, however this has become more troublesome since his recent move to the sunny but not-so-annoying climes of Spain. Despite the difficulties involved our intrepid reporter caught up with Ironsides after a dinner with Ronnie Biggs and he had this to say-
‘…..parma ham, melon balls in Midori, best Dauphinoise potatoes he’d ever had said Ronnie and he’d never tasted foie gras like it. Made it myself I did, them geese are noisy bastards and rile the neighbours but it’s worth it… I love cooking me so I do. …sorry what’s that? Ice resistant shorts? What the fuck are you asking me that for? Eh! Jo! Where’s me slippers!?....it’s time for my hourly massage!! .’

In other news hashers have been warned to dress appropriately for the shout-up, lest they get the hash-shit. As the new-fangled arse-protecting shorts are still in development hashers are reminded to wear a hash t-shirt.
Other forms of dress will be tolerated but some more than others.

Mentiri By-pass, Heart By-pass Run. Nov 27th 09

2009-11-28T14:19:00.010+08:00

Excellent run by GI JANE, Mamasan, Linda and Crew!
plus muchos-kudos to Raisin for agreeing to help Rizan out for next week's run.

A gentle reminder to new hashers who've yet to lay a run and they have one coming up in the next few months.
Don't procrastinate!
Approach someone 'in-the-know' well in advance of your run date to ask for help with recceing/cutting/laying your run.
If you leave it till the last minute(i.e. the week before) then it undoubtedly means someone else has to volunteer to set your run, hence, defeating the whole purpose of the list.
The list is there to get everyone involved with the logistics of setting a run and doing their bit for the hash.
Once you've set a run you will appreciate the next one you run on especially if there has been obvious cutting involved and home preparation of food.

Speaking of doing your bit for the hash can we have some volunteers please for this year's sign-in board??
Cheng did it for ages but is now in Penang so it's a position waiting to be filled.
Approach any hash mismanagement next week if you want to do your bit for the hash.

Neither PeeWee nor myself, SimonThePieman, will be at next week's hash, Clairey is rebuilding a monastery in Cambodia in a sponsored-naked-brick-laying competition whilst I'm off to Germany to buy myself a sense of humour for next year.

The Shout-Up will be ably commandeered by Sweet F$ck-All and Storyteller.
You have this advance warning to buy comfortable chairs from GL Camping as Storyteller will be reading aloud the first chapter of her new book 'Dreams of a Genius TramGirl' as soon as they have two people on the ice.

We had to bid adieu to Condom Girl and Ironsides who saved up his best joke of the year for telling on his very last shout-up.
We also had a returning hasher in Double-Time looking refreshed and prosperously fit and tanned and the inimitable ex-JM Puteri aka Swannie aka Helen Swan Thespian and Drama Queen extraordinaire looking even more curvaceous and fit than she was when she left for more sandier shores.

The Count of MonteChristo told his best joke of the year also but unfortunately due to dodgy acoustics only a few of his intended audience got the punchline.
Regardless, I got cramp in my intercostal muscles from laughing, so even more kudos to him.

Anyway!

It's opposite Tanjung Bunut Hua Ho for the run at Raisin's house next week, December 4th.
See the Google Earth Map Paint image below for directions from Gaydong.

Onnity-onnity.

SimonThePieman

p.s. would the person who swiped/stole/pilfered/misappropriated/borrowed the ftg-learned gentleman from Wiltshire's Sack, please bring it along to the shout-up next week. His prescription Gregory Pecks were in the bag plus he needs said sack for December 24th. Thank-you very much.

Roz-Rapunzel's Rumbunctious Rapier Range Run

2009-09-24T11:32:00.000+08:00

Rapier Range
This week’s run is at Rapier Range and it’s designed and fabricated by Roz ably assisted by Lionel Cucumber.
Lionel Cucumber being the very same gentleman who dragged and carried a young guest out the jungle last week . This young lady had been suffering from heat exhaustion and somehow or other managed to escape from her host and big sister Ling.
How this managed to transpire is anybody’s guess but given that Mal was in charge of the horn and Ling would possibly have been by his side, it’s probable that the young lady in question found the initial pace too dull, perambulatory and somewhat slow and therefore felt the need for speed and escaped.

Later, HashShit was bestowed upon Ling for several reasons;
• Allowing her sister/first-time guest to head off ahead alone unassisted/guided.
• Allowing her sister to be left at the mercy of the impromptu first-aid team who vigorously rubbed liniment into already swollen pores which caused extreme pain and much subsequent grief.
• And, allowing her sister to eat mee before the run by inhalation rather than chewing. This was noted when she vomited said mee as she felt the primary effect of heat exhaustion in the form of dizziness and nausea. The mee was seen to be as it would prior to ingestion i.e. wholly unmasticated.
It’s thought at time of writing false teeth have been ordered for Uan Uan and training in the way of chewing prior to swallowing will also be part of after-school work for the next few weeks.
Many raved about the trip into the jungle up at Long Foreskin, it was seen as a roaring success and some hashers are known to have given up their day-jobs and house husbandry and are now cultivating avocadoes and grapefruits to sell in the Lawas wet market.
Several hotties on the hash were showing off identical tattoos which allegedly said Porridge in Swahili.
It was noted in conversation with the hotties that Porridge rhymes with Courage and it was suggested Courage might have been a better choice for something that is not ‘just for Christmas’ but in fact for life.
Condom Girl was one of the esteemed hares and was celebrating 400 runs!
Jet stole a pair of pedal pushers from the Pussycat Dolls and was later seen canoodling with two of them during a photo-shoot.
The Pussycat Dolls' representatives were not available for comment but it was heard that both of the young lady singers were intrigued by Jet's ability to ignite their womanly desires with just a few words of franglais.
An impromptu game of Charades rounded up the evening though eventually it descended into a scene from ‘One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest’ with the addition of one hash member.
This young man added colour to the proceedings whilst chain-smoking and screaming obscenities in the form of ridiculously random answers, all the while frothing rabidly at the mouth in his excitement and onset of Tourettes.

Diplomacy .....

2009-08-28T08:17:00.005+08:00

....is an Artform.
This crossed my mind when I heard one of our esteemed members regale another with the affectionate term 'you buffoon!'

Last week saw us Brunei H4 hashers at the Rapier Range on the right hand-side of the highway, towards Tutong, over-looking the South China Sea.
A boutique hash as Lone Ranger might describe it but a nice little crowd we had.

Some volunteers had to step in at the eleventh hour (once again) to set this week's run.

This prompted a mass e-mail to every member reminding them of their hash duties.
That is, if you have a hash number, i.e. are a member, you HAVE to set a run when it's your alloted turn.

If you can't set it for whatever reason then you have to organise someone else to do it on your behalf.

Do not leave it for someone else to sort out.

Your run is your responsibility!

See you guys at DIPLO tonight.

Friday 28th August, 2009.

Wow!! it's Diplo again....

2009-06-25T19:41:00.003+08:00

Yeah you guessed it.
It's Diplo again.

Onnity-onnity.

Diplomacy

2009-06-19T07:42:00.011+08:00

Well folks, it's Diplo once again this week, the land that's still capable of sending hordes of experienced ramblers/runners/hashers into ever decreasing circles and near hysteria when they happen to lose the paper.
It'd bring tears to a gless eye as if ye were tae cast yer mind back to some particularly memorable evenings.
Am sure ye may recall the voices of old, stalwart hashers arguing with each other and threatening to 'rip each others hearts oot' as they disagree with each others ridiculous ideas of how tae escape the clutches o' the gloomy confines that be Diplo Forest.
'Bettah we go thissaway lah!'....'No lah! you no be so f#cking stupid one...that way velly fah! we cum out tomollo go that way.....i may be back running fat bastdah but me know Diplo you know'
I recall at the dead of night, scrambling over horrenedous, tottering deadpiles with jagged windfallen trees and their newly snapped and lethally-sharpened limbs pointing up threatening to disembowel/castrate the unwary lost hasher should they slip and fall.
Staggering almost drunken with exhaustion across slippery branches, shit-scared, my football boots slipping,teetering at the brink, family jewels shriveliing inside my nutsack, only to see Poh Sheng leap the same dead-pile with consumate ease.
Then to add insult to injury (heaps of scratches from thorns ferns etc) we discover at the end of the hash (after a gloriously gleeful exit from said jungle) that it was indeed a fuck-up by the front running bastards who called us down into the Centre of The Earth then promptly f*ck+d off and left us there at the mercy of the whingers and moaners and every spirit that haunts those very trees as soon as they had an idea of where they were.

Other nights have seen us in there albeit On Paper but on paper till ten-o-bloody-clock.

Happy-happy joy-joy Diplo can be.
Run Like hell-one 4 hours fifty minutes and 43.
Methinks Jackson was in the SS in a former life
Marching pow's for days at threat of death by rusty knife.

We went updale and downdale and still it went on....
Salivating and gibbering like newly found animal phenomenon.
Torches a plenty? no I'm afraid ladies an gents... NOT.
Visions for hash makan....Jackson boiled in a big pot.

Happy Happy Joy Joy Diplo can be
Only sweat and cursing; no joyful revelry.
A ten pm exit is by far the worst we've had
The wellyman on ees knees;
'that was shite' murmured the poor lad.

Happy Happy Joy Joy Diplo can be
It's the Lone Ranger cutting today, just you wait and see
While he may be shite at calling and f&cking-off leaving us all to die
He does cut a lovely run wi' waterfalls, escarpments an udder 'tings' pleasin to the eye.

A runner's run is what he likes and does 'do' one in return
You can run like blazes, legs a-pumping, lungs fit to burn.
He cuts a bonnie trail he does; our Knight in Shining Armour.....
We should rename him the Accentless Great White Charger.

Happy Happy Joy-joy Diplo can be
That's enough waxing lyrical, i need to go for a pee.

So that's DIPLO for today the 19th day of June 2009.
Onitty-onnity.

DoSToyevsky

2009-06-11T16:57:00.006+08:00

This weeks run like the novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky, will be both hairy and very clever.
With respect to tenuous links to this gentleman's literary prowess that's as far as it goes.
However, tomorrow we will all be going on the run as far as it goes.
That is because many a man and woman hare hath gone the DST way over the past few weeks, hacking and heaving their valiant way through virgin jungle and heathen swamp in order to carve out a challenging and throbbingly long and hard run for us all.

Tales of wenches in ripped frocks and men in sweaty garments bedraggled and knackered, cut and torn, smelly and starving after hours of swinging their large choppers through the undergrowth, laying waste to huge swathes of razor-grass, monitor lizards and crocodiles be damned.
More tales of Amazonian type Australian women with a penchant for all things crustacean who can swim 1km of the Olympic sized pool in Berakas in one sitting, having to lift and carry two fellow hares under each arm on the way back to DST base camp as her counterparts were too fucked and frothy at the mouth to continue.

She would say this is all in a days work but she would be being humble and contrite and ashamed because cutting trails in the jungle is indeed a terrible fetish for this girl.
Her nipples become like coat-pegs at the mere thought of sharpening her huge parang and she trembles at the thighs when she thinks of the sound the blade makes as it surges through the grass and reeds as she lays waste to the botanical bounties quivering with fear before her mighty swaithes.
A recce fetish is what she has if truth be told.

Slash and burn techniques which she learnt of in Higher Geography on vhs videos smuggled in from Indonesia, brought gasps of horror to the mouths of her tree-hugging peers, but, secretly this Biology Major got her first orgasm when she saw the land being laid flat by the pygmy people of Borneo as they made room for their first petrol station outside Limbang not that far from Linggi's (with two eyes).

Recce after recce does nothing to satiate the appetite of this lady and ever since joining the hash she has been pleading with every hasher who has their name down to set a run to allow her to be the one with the big-sharp-thing who cuts the trail at the front.

The merry band of hashers who have their name down for this week's run took pity on the marine biologist and let her join them.
They did say however that she had to beef up her bra-padding a bit with toilet paper or old socks so as her nipples would not cause a hazard to her fellow hackers when they were in the jungle.

So, to cut a long story even longer, as my brothers used to say, you have a tremendous run ahead of you tomorrow (or today if you are reading this on Friday the 12th June 2009).
Be sure not to mention nipples-like-scabbled-wheel-nuts to any 'ozzie' hares after the run please.
Thanks very much.

A few random pictures which may have been slightly doctored to embarrass and perhaps amuse you.
No apologies will be forthcoming nor shall the author take years off your wrinkly auld chops with Photoshop in the next post, unless of course you bribe him with a bottle of Black Label.

...watch this space...

So its good night from him and it's good night from me too.

D S T ....onnity-onnity.

Upper Diplo

2009-06-04T08:10:00.008+08:00

There will be no blog report this week due to lack of interest and the author having kidney troubles.
He 'kidney' be bothered...and nobody is interested.

Site is Upper Diplo..

Shiver me Timbers! Thar be Diplo .....

2009-05-28T23:25:00.004+08:00

Arrr..me hearties.
It be thart toime of the week againe.
We be off into that thar jungle looking fer that thar treasure that we aint yet fahnd. It be known to me that this ere treasure moight nevah maike itself fahnd.
Arrrr that be roight, we go lookin every farking week we do but not one land-lubber nor one sea-salty-ship-mate on arrh 'ash the BH4, an thar be a few, have evah fahnd that thar treasure.

Oi seen a map oi did, many a moon ago when I waz a lahd an it 'ahd on it the island that be Borneo.
An on that map thar wehre the immor'al wurds; fountain o youth an a big X.

But stone me ladds and lassies it were all scrumpled up an soggy it bein just pulled from the stomach of a big friggin shark oo ahd jahst gobbled up me best mate; Cap'n Ringpiece the Fird.
Arrrrghh yeah shiver me timbers! it be true there woz a map but am not tellin yuse no moah de'ails. You can all just keep draggin your biscuity-arsed selves into that forest wiv all 'em Dipterocarp and foind it yerselves so ye shall.
The fahntain o yooff indeed.

The secret elixir from the grahnd many an ole timer an young un be dreamin abaht in the ope theys kin live forevah!
I ere tell from me old ship-mates on the H.M.S.Rumpledforeskin, tales of men who've been 'alf knackered, near dead an that, lungs riddled wiv the Big C, legs farked, faces as long as Leith Walk, in uvver wurds about f**%ed, ready to meet their maker, knocking on 'eavens' do-ah, stretching to be pushin' up 'em daisies an all that, when aht ov de blue, they been an stumbled across that fabled an hallowed plaice; the valley that 'olds the Fountain of Yoof'.
They've 'alf stumbled dahn there and slipped on their skinny auld arse splashin into that-their magical wa'er.
Sekunnds later! they be up an rahninng abaht all ovah the f@*king shop int they!?
It's truly a miracle they say, to see a man abaht dead; an all ov a sudden, he's back to been a young back againe.
Incredible to see all told.

Oi've eard too that a few wenches ave 'ad a go dippin their ugly old bunioned feet into that thar wa'ta and yeah, same fing as appened.
Begging your pardon ladies an gents but not the eggxact same fing you unnderstan, their saggy auld thruppeny-bits abaht draggin on the grahnd wan minute then they aw perky an lovley again.
No wot OI mean?
Course ya do.

So yeah, it's true you ave to look fer it moind cos its in thar, four shew-ah.
If you be feelin aawl creaky an sore an old and decrepit you oughtta be getting yourselves up to that place dis weeken' cos oi here tell that thar holy wa'er up at Merarap might well be cumming from that Fahn'in Ov Yoof.
Oi ain' promisin nuffin cos rejuvenation aint in the oitinerary but dip yer buttocks inter that thair wa'er as much as you kan, cos you just nevah knoe doh yah??

Arrrr...
If you wanna jus run on Froiday get yer biscuity-arses allong to Diplo, thers' tales a foot ovv' a fahntain in there an all.

The Red Dress Run 2009

2009-05-24T11:06:00.008+08:00

Last Friday saw all us 'closet-trannies', wannabe hotties and one somewhat mental young man with 'attention' issues at Rapier Range.
The run was interesting in a we-are-not-going-up-that-f*&king-hill-for-a-change kind of way; it took us along the beach allowing all the short-cutting bastards to lop half a mile of the total run distance.
Paragliders were in attendance but there was no wind.....bar that which curled my eye-lashes in one conversation I had with someone near the punch, what had she had for lunch...roadkill on Ciabatta?

We had a sizeable contingent of hashers from down-south who got into the spirit of things but were the noisiest guests we have ever had on any shout-up since last year's founder's day. The RA's were a bit lax here and not one of the discussing make-up-during-the-shout-up-ladyboys got put on the ice.

Perhaps shout-ups up the Labi road are by text message?
The words shut the f*&& up seemed to be the only ones they eventually understood and even then only after Joey had screamed it ten times.
Note to self:
Joey as a Religious Adviser?
If we do appoint him as RA do we have to pay him in Glenfiddich every week?
His o.t.t. performance was verging on comic genius and/or childish tantrum (we shall give him the benefit of the doubt).

Depsite their rumbunctiousness it was gracious of the Labi/KB/Seria hashers to come along to swell our numbers for the evening and judging by their outfits they made a big effort with the wigs and nighties.
Countless songs were mangled and a few improved by the Hen House Harriers and the limbo provided some amusement too.

Two jeune froggy filles/virgines were in attendance and were given a tres bien down-down and the opportunity of a menage a trois with the reknowned and esteemed gentleman avec le squeaky-voice.
Punch was doled out but it seemed lack a certain, shall we say....PUNCH? I was told that a hasher bearing a number of bottles meant for adding volume and density to the said liquid was sadly not at the hash that evening.
Therefore, the punch beared no real resemblance to the previous one responsible for destroying in the region of 17 trillion cerebellum cells.
This in turn meant squeezing toothpaste onto one's toothbrush come Saturday morning was in fact possible without outside intervention.

One gentleman in a red dress was worryingly good at walking like a lady and seemed intent on using a whole lipstick on his moosh before the night was out. Thankfully this was as far as he got with his tranny antics and despite having Joey's arse stuck in my face at one point, nothing got too scary.

Randoms;

Durgendressin-transvestite drug

2009-05-22T08:52:00.006+08:00

Ladiethpt!!

Thith ith it!!
The moment you have been waiting for thince the latht time.
A chanthce to break out those girdleth, cortheth, pantieth and heelth.
It'th Red Dreth Run time!!

Am tho excited I mutht thay.
That thaid...I wath a bit pithed off when I tried on my Cheongtham as the batharding thing had shthrunk. My ath thill lookth quite nithe but my gutths are way too big for the flucking thing.
I had to take it to the lovely indian man down my thimpang tho he could modify it a little bit for my lovely womanly body.
Theeth hormone tabletths are playing havoc with my figure.

Anyhoo! am getting a pedicure and my arthe wackthed later this morning tho i'd better go. I hope all you other wuvvery peepth can make it to the Rapier Range later today...thatth such a naughty name for a run thite don't you think Darlingth??
lolth!

Don't forget that the naughty Joint Mathter at the hath thaid that underwear wath optional...lolth...I'll probably be wearing my Markth and Thpentherth Chrithmath Thpethialth....my flucking arthe ith too big for any thmallth..
OK GIRLTH....Thee you at Rapier Range...

Today's Run; May 22nd is at Rapier Range..onnity-onnity..

Did you know the Red DRess Run started way back in 1980-something by a woman who turned up at the hash wearing a red dress, heels and stockings?
Unperturbed by the challenge and being told by the GM not to go in to the jungle/woods (whatever).
She went anyway.
If lots more women did the same here on a weekly basis in Brunei am sure there would be a lot more blokes on the Hetero Hash somehow.

below are a few Red Dress ideas if you are unsure what to wear today...

Muddy Transvestite Fight

2009-05-15T08:32:00.006+08:00

Dear Brethren,

We will gather today in that wonderful land known as MTF and we shall embark on a slippery, slidery, shiggery, shittery run.
You will get manky, filthy, grubby and unclean.
Thorns there are aplenty and vines there are too.
You will trip and fall on your arse.

Right after you exit the jungle, lungs and bronchioles open wide and at their most sensitive, someone will light up a Marlboro and you will inhale huge amounts of carcinogens and take years off your life.
Staggering around buzzing with the newly acquired nicotine in your bloodstream you will feel nauseous. Back at your car you will suffer the indignity of 13 indian men staring at your spotty arse whilst you change out yer filthy togs.

Later, once refreshments have been consumed and your blood reaches that level of saturation you are more familiar with and things will start to make sense. People will start to look much better and your facial muscles will do that thing that they haven't done all week and stretch in an upward fashion, pulling your mouth into a smile.

You will look around you and the words of the poet laureate CARLOS' recent chatbox post 'all i see is old hags' will come to mind, you will be confused as all you see are young, beautiful people, but bear in mind it will be dark.
Jokes will be told and people made a twat of and then you will eat more food at one sitting than you have eaten in three days.

You will vaguely be aware of a man known to have a heart of gold stuffing left-overs into a cavernous rucksack and setting off into the gloom atop a white charger.
He will bellow in a deep baritone; 'power to the cyclists!'

You will regale your peers with highly exaggerated tales of what you have done this past seven days and bite your tongue when you hear their equally lame tales in return.
You will lament the absence of Kojak Dua and Chuppa Chupps and recall happier times when you heard her try out those immortal words; 'KNOB'EAD' and IT'S YOUR ROUND YA *&%$ prior to their sad exit from the BH4 and Brunei.

You will wax lyrical imagining how Kojak2 would be fending off attackers left, right and centre, defending his lady wife in some scummy pub with offended skinheads frothing at the mouth ready to tear them both, limb from limb.

Anyway, in case you hadn't gathered the run is at MTF.
Onnity-onnity.

Pies are good.

Vun hended push-ups wiv uzzer hand behind my beck...

2009-05-11T13:06:00.005+08:00

Subok 67- the land that the developers forgot...

2009-05-07T23:57:00.003+08:00

Many a moon has passed since hares have ventured into deepest, darkest Subok.
The scene of many an arduous, torturous scramble to safety with limbs aching, body drenched in sweat, chest heaving, lungs gasping for air as Ironsides takes the lights out the back of his car.
Yes, this site can be gloomy and lights are vastly important, especially now the hash is bursting at the seams with post run entertainers.
New people, new joke tellers, new hecklers, young and old.
People advertising do-good activities, people haranguing you to join them in deepest darkest Borneon jungles. There are those yearning to tug your heart strings, those eager to get you to part with your hard-earned and those just up there to delight you with japes a-plenty.
The hash is now a comprehensive array of talented and fit-as-a-fiddle individuals that are all Lamborghini driving millionaires who'd want nothing better to do of a Friday evening than smoke cigars and drink fine Cognac before retiring to their massive mansions.
And I have a harem of sexy wenches from every nationality on the globe who fight over getting to wash my dirty hash gear every Friday night.

Bollocks you say!
And I would have to concur.

However, the first part about Jalan Subok stands firm.
Indeed! ...the hash tomorrow is at Simpang 67 Jalan Subok.
Do come along.

Gurlky Sedan

2009-05-02T20:05:00.004+08:00

What a marvelous night up at Lucky Gardens.
A lovely hash which stretched the limbs, winded the lungs and knackered the dog.
A new member with a great joke about an arse that could consume, some baldy antipodean guests, an Ironside joke that was funny, a gobby JM on the ice, a birthday girl; PeeWee and some naughty, piloty people.

Lucky Gardens

2009-04-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

Hail fellow Hashers and those that hash vicariously from lands afar.
This week brings us once again to that hallowed ground of hashing legend known as Lucky Gardens.
In the annals of hashness that stretch back through millenia, Lucky Gardens crops up time and again.
Hashing in general often brings us tales of bravery, selflessness in the face of mortal danger and on a few occasions instances where lycra shorts have been torn asunder and dangley bits exposed to the elements.
Yes folks, hashing is dangerous.
It's a sweaty affair, you may get hurt, bitten, eaten alive, fall down a big hole and emerge covered in shite.
You may get malaria, or hepatitis, or acquire some other horrific parasite that lives in your inner ear for months making you talk gibberish,live with loads of cats until your cushions smell of wee and fart loudly at the atm queue to get to the front.

You may become a heavy smoker and develop Tourettes' Syndrome and feel the need to heckle when in the safety of a large group of people and sing songs that have sweary words in them.

It's even been known at times in the wee hours of the morning after much debating about nothing, for hashers to end up in an alcofrolic; a regrettable act of carnal knowledge embarked upon while bevvied.

The event usually comes about innocently enough;
e.g a lady has perhaps mis-parked her vehicle;
a knight in shining armour comes to her aid and.... next thing, before you can say 'on-on' or 'engage 4 wheel drive ya numpty', the Kebabe* seduces her good samaritan.
Shame or something akin to suicidal thoughts hang like a storm cloud above the hasher for the whole week until the follwing hash.
When, apathy turns to elation as he hears that in fact, he's victim number 7.

Yes my good readers, for both the male and the female of the species hashing has it's hazards.
So be good and if you can't be good, be terrific.

Lucky Gardens May 1st 2009.

*(lady who looks incredibly tasty when one is hammered at two in the morning, but the thought of whom turns one’s stomach in the sober light of Saturday).

But it does Mata-Mata.....

2009-04-23T21:47:00.011+08:00

Friday the 24th April finds us at Mata-Mata;

....the land that was once the stomping ground of legendary hasher; Sam Scott, aka Rover.

It's now more commonly referred to as that shitehole at the back of Gadong where some choose to dump their rubbish.
As you weave your way in and out the discarded nappies and rubbish bags on the way to the run-site, spare a thought for those unfortunate people who had to drive all the way from their house and toss out their weekly load of garbage.
What a pain in the arse that must be.
The 20 dollars we pay for the rubbish collector every month is obviously money that's better spent on other luxuries for these folks.

With other commitments to fulfil I wasn't at Pampers' and Ruthless Pursuit's run at 1074 as I was mincing around in a minging, yellow dress at the D'Anggerek.
Similarly PeeWee was enthralling the audiences in another fabulous outfit. The director, Albert, was also in hash absentia as was Red Rocket both of whom were signing autographs and taking interviews for Rolling Stone and Macrame Weekly.

Did you note our efforts were even recognised by the Brunei Times?
Hollywood here we come!
Consequently; I have nothing to 'make-up' regarding the run last week.

Hopefully, there will be more in the way of grammatically imperfect fiction for all you globetrotter browsers out there next week.

Spg 1087 Jln Muara

2009-04-10T00:21:00.009+08:00

This week's run will be at Jalan Muara 1087 and the hares Pampers, Lone Ranger and Ruthless Pursuit are dedicating the run to Lee 'Road-runner' Gifford.
It's with great sadness I have to say Lee passed away on Monday, 13th April.

The run-site is on your right hand-side on the way to Muara just after the Tutong highway turn-off.

Neither Joint Master will be at tonight's shout-up given that they are taking part in the latest BADS production:
The D'Anggerek Ladies Guild Dramatics Society's Production of 'Macbeth'.
See here for pictures and information.

Onnity-on.

Salambigar 700something...

2009-04-08T09:15:00.018+08:00

Last Week's run was set by two of hashing's finest and most voluptuous of comely wenches; Actress and millionaire playgirl Red Rocket and the femalian actress and Joint Mistress herself, PeeWee.

However, dash and darn it, fate conspired to confound those who arrived at the hash in the form of a gargantuan effort required just to sign in.
Those dastardly and evilly cunning orangkem decided to extract the urine by putting the tent way up at the back of the flat area at Lucky Gardens.
This meant that those who signed in had already covered 15.7% of what ground they normally cover over the course of their normal run and as such were already sweating like North Korean rocket scientists.

The run however was pretty short though enjoyable with some of the less roly-poly/infirm/relaxingly inclined of the members doing a u-turn at the natural amphitheatre just behind the flat area, and going back the way they came in.

The Hares were in an excited mood as they lay the run this week as they were in eager anticipation of the weekend ahead.
Having won the Cleavage of the Year award at a St Patrick's Day party at Red Rocket's house earlier the previous month, PeeWee and Red Rocket (the runner-up) were already in PitGirl mode. Shag-me-shoes and tiny, leather mini-skirts made a welcome appearance at the hash.

Later on that weekend as seen in this more recent photo, the girls can clearly be seen enjoying the hustle an bustle and the attention the PitGirls normally receive at the Sepang (Malaysia)Formula One event. Tom and Martin as runners up in the same event, were given pit passes too but they had to play with Jensen Button's big-end instead.

In probably the blog's lamest attempt at humour to date it must be mentioned that at least one of the runners who came along on Friday was still involved with the Save Tango in Brunei Campaign.
Caught up in a controversial row over the banning of dancing in Brunei, the soft drink (having the same name as the dance) found itself on the brink of being pulled from shelves.
In a completely unrelated fairy-tale; half Japanese, seventy-five percent Canadian, fifteen percent Irish, 2.5 percent Norwegian and the rest a mixture of other civilisations, fitness enthusiast and keen frisbee chewer Jools, had this to say when Pieman was divulging needless information regarding the circumference of his dog's bollocks.

"That's all very interesting but it's a bit too much information".

A keen Tango dancer and an avid Tango-the-soft-drink fan, Jools berated Pieman for his rudeness as she whacked him with an old piece of halibut(purchased from HyperJaya in Gadong on the monthly jism school trip) saying something along the lines of...

'take that you f*#ker! you've been tangoed!'

The crocodile infested pool (down amongst the trees, behind the tent) was where Pieman was sent to repent for his rudeness...it's not known whether he made it out alive but as he was lowered into the pool he was reported to have said that at least he could expect to 'get an orangey tan like that burd from jism'.

In one of those lame segues you might hear on local radio Pieman can be seen getting hit again on the face with an item of culinary manufacture in the upcoming BADS production.
The very reasonable $10 tickets are selling fast for the three shows next week.
In fact, even as this is being typed I have had a text to say Saturday at 8.00 pm is already sold out.
Tickets are still available for Friday 17th April @8.00pm and Saturday 18th @4.00pm.

'The D'Anggerek Ladies Guild Dramatic Society's Production of MacBeth' has PeeWee, Red Rocket, Albert and Simon the Pieman all treading the boards for your delectation.

For pictures from an earlier production and more details of the upcoming show check out Mr Syaf's site HERE

Random Pictures of Hashers relaxing at home/at work etc:

And a new Section inspired By RobTob...Video of the Week:

For those of you who prefer your violence on a smaller scale

This week's run is at John and Cindy's place....Salambigar 700 something...

Hashers are asked to be aware parking on their Simpang is limited to those with wheelchairs, wooden legs, enormous stomachs and huge wobbly buttocks. Those who have none of the afflictions listed are kindly requested to park on the main road.
Care should be taken when crossing the road however, with hashers being reminded to use the Green Cross Code;
Please chant this to the tune of The Hokey Kokey...Look left, look right, put your whole body in and shake it all about, you do the crossy-crossy and you turn around, then you are back at your car.

Onnity-on.

April 3rd 2009

2009-04-03T16:57:00.002+08:00

This week's run is by Peewee and Red Rocket.
It's at Lucky Gardens and it won't be very long.
Onnity-on.

I guess it doesnae matter-matter any more....

2009-03-27T09:45:00.004+08:00

For the four of you who looked at the blog this week searching for inspiration please accept my profound apologies for not having updated till now.
That thing involving breathing, eating, working and sleeping beckoned...you know the one..they call it life.
Anyhow.
This week's run is at Mata-Mata.

So that's March 27th 2009: Mata-Mata (right turn after Police HQ in Gaydong or up the hill at the traffic lights at the bottom of Telisai with the Renault garage behind you)
Do enjoy.
Meanwhile enjoy some pictures while you are here.

This is Mal and Ling in Mexico last year (the old guy on the right's shorts are designed specifically for easy beer refining).

And here we are introducing our very own GRO(Guest Relations Officer)Medicine Man making sure the hash guests are being looked after, post hash, last week.

Meragang BeachWatch

2009-03-18T10:57:00.010+08:00

Whilst I search frantically for a picture I may have binned by mistake please take a cursory glance at the exquisite 'sheisterpieces' below.

St Patrick's Day @ Diplo

2009-03-17T12:03:00.004+08:00

This Friday 20th March, as mentioned below, sees us back at our favourite stomping ground Diplo.
In a bid to make the run and on-on as fun as possible we are to wear green.
Irish jokes will be encouraged.
Irish outfits appreciated.

It's been noted that those who went missing on Friday last, were found alive and well if not a little shaken.
Hopefully they will be at the Hash again this week (and will go round at twice the speed).

A big thanks to the hares for rescuing them from the bogey-man in Diplo!!

Allegedly Deadly Diplo

2009-03-15T21:35:00.020+08:00

Three hashers didn't make it out of the jungle last Friday night in time for the shout-up. It's thought at time of going to press they are alleged to possibly-maybe have been the 156th, 157th and 158th victims of the Diplo Demon.
What was to be have been the hasher known as Carmen's 700th run in fact turned out to be possibly-maybe her last and two fledgling hashers, affectionately known as Sumting Wong and Kung Fu Panda didn't quite make it to the end of their fourth hash.

Sadly, it's believed that all three were devoured by the evil 'being' lurking in Diplo Hollow before the horn-blowing and torch-wielding rescuers could get to them.

All that was found were some hash outfits, cigarette ends, empty plastic water bottles, slightly chewed bamboo shoots as well as some used condoms and punders.
It is thought by those wanting to remember the victims in a way that won't embarrass themselves that the condoms were being used for storing water once the stricken hashers had gotten lost after dark.
Saucy lingerie found strewn around the area does nothing to corroborate this theory however but it's presumed DNA analysis should shed some light.
The only male missing person known as Kung Fu Panda Joe can be seen below during happier times outside the Lightonyerloafers dance studio in Gaydong.

... for the rest of you who are already bored with this lame-ass story here is this month's Men's Fitness magazine with your one and only hash beefcake man himself Condom Boy.

Oh and yeah for those that shot off early from the shout-up for some steamy lurve/dinner/macrame classes before you heard where this week's run was.....Gasher, Sweet FA and Nameless have once again done us proud. They say this Friday's run will be at Upper Diplo.

Friday the 20th Upper Diplo.
Onnity-onnity on-on.

Many thanks to Storyteller for standing in for PeeWee, she did a stunningly marvellous job.
Storyteller seen here before leaving the house for the hash.

The previous week (Friday 6th March) saw the hash in dire straits having no run to speak of for this week.
Three daring gentlemen stepped up at the eleventh hour and volunteered to set one in Diplo. Nameless, Sweet F.A. and Beetlejuice are to be congratulated for their selfless act and for giving up their Friday for the sake of the hash.

This week's book of the bog.....

In an exclusive interview for the March edition of Hashitty Fair Lone Ranger thanked those responsible for giving him a mobile phone. But he also said that there were no real differences in his life since he began using the latest edition Sony Ericsson Sexy-Fandango device.

New Section...What I want to be when I grow up!!

Jalan Tutong pour le Lugu, c'est tres facile.

2009-03-01T11:54:00.016+08:00

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Introducing this month's edition of Hashitty Fair....subscriptions for the magazine can be had by ONLY by calling Ironsides on his landline after 3.00am on a Saturday.
See him for his number.

Last Week's Run;

Not being there in time to run it I know absolutely nothing about last week's run. I do know that it made those who ran it hot, sweaty and slightly out of breath, but i won't be telling you about it.
I shan't, as is the norm, be boring you with which ridge did what, which spur confounded which front runner and which area was flooded 52% more than it was this time three years ago.
Nor shall I be telling you about the coreolis effect causing landslides up Subok Ridge or the Ring of Fire that one gentleman must have experienced on Saturday morning after his massive curry-carry-out. His firey rim problems would have doubtless been compounded by the frantic shoveling of numerous portions into his moosh at the on-on on Friday.
I can tell you though that the curry was most excellent as was the pakora.

I can also tell you we had two guests, only the two jokes, plus the presentation of a mobile phone to LoneRanger.

I had several requests for image make-overs and was handed one thesis on last week's book.
This week's book is a little more high-brow and should appeal to all the pedagogues out there. One volume doubtless gracing many a balinese coffee-table alongsides the likes of Dostoevsky's; Cream Cakes and Punishment and Franz Kafka's; The Cakehole in at least one house on Jalan Muara.

I shall be expecting a 100 word essay this time next week explaining, exactly, on which occasion should a pearl necklace be worn.

For the one person who reads the blog but is not on the Mamasan mailing list, we are at Lugu this week.
But!! you are NOT ALLOWED to come in via the highway as the Millenium Falcon crashed there on Wednesday. Honest.
You have to come in from Jalan Tutong.

This picture was taken seconds before it hit at Lugu, the crash obviously caused by a huge freak snowstorm.

This week's movie-choice-for-hashers has to be the new Hollywood Blockbuster starring that magnificent all round hard man and heart-throb Bullethead aka John Costner Bullethead Malthouse. Despite the first movie being a wash-out, a whip-round from all at Coffeezone got a cool 10 million together for a low budget follow-up to Waterworld.

Interviewed during filming next to the 'bumblebee' off Pulau Muara Besar.
Bullethead had this to say/rant about:
"i told Kay NOT to put those bloody buoys there, those bloody hippy people on that crappy yacht will ave them... etc"

An action screenshot from the new movie;

New Book Club (and maybe next week's run)

2009-02-21T20:32:00.017+08:00

In an inane effort to balance physical exertion with mind broadening activities I would like to share a few book titles over the coming weeks.
For the three people who read this blog on a regular basis I'm positive it will make your visits here more of an 'all-round' body and soul experience.

The first tome I have chosen simply because I miss stepping in dog turds so much.
I grew up in a country where dogs (and their shite) are ubiquitous wherever grass is evident. Like the seasons of the year, council-tax and drug-taking, foul-mouthed-teenagers who hurl abuse at you in shopping malls, some things are impossible to replicate.
The country we hash in has none of these things so I thought this book might be both inspirational, and , educational especially for those heading out of Brunei to the UK to further their studies. It might also bring a tear to the eye of anyone nostalgic enought to recall walking in their Clark's Commandoes and grey school uniform over Balticly cold, grassy knolls bordering the nearest council estate. Prior to arriving at your local school you had the obligatory dog-shit-check of the soles of your shoes. Hot 'shame' burns my cheeks even now as I think of the derogatory comments made by young-but-evil peers after they spotted me drag dog excretia in over the classroom floor.
"he's goat shite on ees shooooz"- what a beamer!
Ahhh...those were the days!
For those unfamilar with Weedgie speak (Glaswegian Vernacular) a 'beamer' is a childish but often used term.
It describes the horrifying instant that you go bright red in the face when you are discovered to be one of many things.
For example:
Having shite on your shoes, wearing trousers at half-mast, wearing trousers with the zip-down, in possession of an inappropriate bricky, wearing wellies to school at 16etc.
Those three people who read this blog should endeavour to read the above book and give a critique the following week, in no less than, 3 million and 24 words.
Failing that you can always just look at the lovely, unaldulterated pictures i have included in this marvelous post.

Anyway, last night's run was a splendid affair as was the on-on.
I feel the need to mention that once again we had a plethora of joke-tellers.
We had people reading jokes off lollipop sticks, one told in Glaswegian, one mumbled in a way that old eccentric blokes who live on stale bread and hash leftovers do. We even had Daniel challenge Horsef*cker to tell a joke as he was telling a joke himself. Horsef*cker promptly did so at the drop of a hat.
We had Wozza reminisce most eloquently about the time he fellated a crocodile and then the Count of Montechristo (in his child's hash t-shirt) told us he was going to tell the worst joke in the world and then promptly did just that.

Bravo old chap!

For two of the three avid readers of the blog I thought I might add another image for you to add to your facebook profile;

Anyone else with a hankering to be 'remoulded' by my professional-image-ruining-skills don't hesistate to cajole me at the next hash.

Anyway, you three readers are bound to be bored by now so I shall tie things up by mentioning the locale of next week's run.
It's stated in the weekly e-mail you get from Mamasan but in case you haven't opened that or it's in your Spam box with the erectile dysfunction tablet adverts, then the run for Friday the 27th of February is at
Spg 116, Jalan Kota Batu, on your left after Tiong Hin if coming from Mentiri link road roundabout.
Denny is the Hare.

Friday 20th February's Run is at Morley Movers

2009-02-17T23:11:00.006+08:00

For this Friday's Hash we shall be convening at Morley Movers.
Can this week's comedic line-up compete with the superb starlit show we had last week?

Will someone be bringing a gag for JET?

Will hot new chicks ever give out their phone numbers on their first night at the hash?
And do we care if they don't wear a hash t-shirt?

All these questions, and more, will be answered at Morley Movers, 5.15pm, this Friday the 20th of February, 2009.

This Week's Run is at Diplo

2009-02-09T07:41:00.004+08:00

We aw like tae walk
in jungle and through trees
even when we're knackered
and crawling on oor knees

we dae a thing called hashing
it really is a laugh
wadin' in rivers and streams
we can even hae a bath

to see us you'd say we're mental
nuts and aff oor heid
but if we didnae huv oor hashin
we'd rather aw be deid.

Diplo is this week's destination for the sport of mentalists
That's DIPLO, Friday the 13th, February 2009.

A few keen hashers discussing the cerebral merits of running in the jungle last week.

BundyBar

2009-02-03T16:08:00.010+08:00

Not to be confused with the cellar of notorious serial killer Ted Bundy,

Last week saw the addition of a lovely Bundybar to dip into after the run.
Semi-naked barwomen met you as you emerged sweaty and knackered had you bothered your arse to go round the run.
Lounging in the pool without the addition of the usual tuak-guzzling gentlemen was further enhanced by the sound of the waterfall and scantily-clad water nymphs serving refreshing libations guaranteed to soothe your soul and make your mouth furry, all at the same time.

Frosties to keep your drink cool were a memento passed out by the Hares too.
Mention was made of a re-enactment of the scene from Eddie Murphy's movie 'Coming to America' where the serving 'wench' dives down under Murphy's character in the bath to wash the royal penis (without the use of her hands).

Those familiar with the scene in the movie rapidly formed a
queue behind Fletch (Lone Ranger).
This queue quickly stretched down to the Salambigar highway, however a rumour just as rapidly spread that it was in fact not Dr. Pron who was going to be playing the 'part' of the servant but, unfortunately, Wozza, and immediately the crowd dissipated with much coughing, retching and vomiting at the mere thought of it.
A huge thanks (despite this scary moment) must go to Wozza and his co-hares for a great run and fantastic spread at his gaffe later.
The Ozzie quiz was great fun too with many a prize thrown out.
Thanks for the food and to the Kiwi chefs who did a sterling job.

"Saturday Noight Fevah, the rumpig, drinks his 'Bundy O.P' straight and wrapped in a brown paper bag."

Bollockshoi Ballet Video?

2009-02-03T13:42:00.007+08:00

For those of you who are of a cultural persuasion, you will doubtless remember the fantastic performance we were treated to at the Mata-Mata Auditorium last year during our very wet and muddy, Founder's Day.
Five incredibly chiseled and talented performers awed the crowd with their exquisite footwork and military precision in their awesome dance routine: The Dance of the Cygnets.

The dancers resting after discarding the piles of underwear thrown at them from the audience.

A well-known Video production company (www.lameandcrappyvideos.com) has approached me for footage of this fantastic show but so far I have been unable to provide one for their editing purposes.
Does anyone out there have a copy of a video I can have?

A peanut-butter and jam sandwich will be given for each high quality copy I receive and obviously once the video goes into production, royalties will be shared equally amongst those who have contributed (after I take my considerable handling fee).

It's been rumoured the Bollockshoi Ballet will be asked to perform at the upcoming hashing event in Kuching and therefore a video to promote the team would be hugely beneficial. It would obviously get all the women in Kuching excited but the team will doubtless take all of this in their muscley stride.

Please see the editor, SimonThePieman, at this Friday's hash (Subok 67) if you have a copy of the dance on video or contact him below in the comments box.
Please specify in your comment what type of jam you want on your sandwich.

A sandwich made yesterday:

Friday, 6th February, 2009

2009-02-03T11:33:00.002+08:00

This Friday's Run will be at Subok 67.

This Week's Run, 30th Jan: Salambigar Waterfall

2009-01-28T08:50:00.006+08:00

Salambigar Waterfall is the venue for this Friday's Australia Day Run.

I'm presuming we shall not be 'onning' there but at the usual venue on Jalan Muara.
Come to the hash, run it and come out at the end to find out where the 'on-site' is.
There is a plethora of Ozzie hares involved in setting the run so, Jet, make sure you have some Tupperware handy for this coming week's lunch/dinner supplies.
At least you won't have too far to cycle home with your laden sack.For those of you who are in search of some 'culture' see me about tickets for the Burns Supper the following night at the RBYC.

So that's the Oz Day Run,
Salambigar Waterfall, 30th of January 2009.

If you dont know where that is:
Come out of Bandar, past Mabohai Supasave, past Immigration and lights at Diplo, head up to and through Sungai Akar roundabout and then towards Mentiri.
You will see the cars on the other side of the road as you go down the hill.

Once you exit your vehicle, look left, look right and then left again as you cross the highway.
There is a limit to what our hash nurse, Virtuoso, is capable of.

Newsflash!! All those who come to the hash are asked to wear Australian colours and by that I presume they don't mean drape an aborigine over your shoulders.
Wear green and gold.
Brush up on your Australian facts and figures as there will also be a quiz, the winners getting prizes ranging from T.V,s to sports cars to frozen chickens.

Dr.Pron will also be handing out large glossy photos of her clad in a bikini taken whilst on her last holiday.
She said she ate some prawns which disagreed with her prior to the photoshoot.

It's also thought Mal will be handing out pictures from his extremely professional, no-expense-spared photo-shoot taken during his last trip home.

Not to be outdone Kathy has decided to give out some of the pics she had taken after she dyed her hair last month, the pictures were taken by her indonesian driver whilst she was out in the garden but they are still pretty good quality.

Emma go bye-bye she go New Zealand one.

2009-01-22T23:05:00.006+08:00

Two Friday's ago saw the last hash (for a while anyway) of, I guess, the youngest hasher on the BH4.
Emma will be greatly missed with her happy smiling face, slightly spazzy skipping and an aptitude for self-photography.
She's a lovely warm-hearted young lady who's a bloody good hasher that shows wisdom well beyond her years.
During her time on the hash the intrepid '13' year old got 27 A's in her exams, ran a 38 minute '10 kms' and lifted a 2 ton 4wd Nissan X-Trail with her bare hands to rescue a can of Tiger which had rolled under the behemoth of a vehicle.It was thought the can was in danger of being squashed to death. It's also rumoured that during a trip to get fabric softener and toilet paper that she blew out one of the windows in Supasave Mabohai with a post-hash mega-belch, setting off car alarms as far as Jalan Tutong and causing one old lady to fall on her arse next to the dogfood.

Her list of amazing feats goes on, apparently during one yacht race round Pulau Muara Besar, she single-handedly fought off a great white shark which had sniffed out the tuna sandwiches she had stuffed down the front of her life-jacket.
Apparently she had put her Laser 16 on auto-pilot and slipped into the water for a pee when the man-eater caught up with her.

Big George Mollinson witnessed the terrifying event:
"Oi cudnt beleeve eet. Thet sherk came out of nowhere! It tried to tek her but she whicked it roight on the nose with her mobile phone"
"Thing is, she still won the bloody roice!"
The shark incident had her famous at the RBYC for almost a whole afternoon and one young boy was even said to have bought her a Crunchie.

At the laying-up dinner at the RBYC at the end of the sailing season, she won 256 medals and 12 trophies and had to have Morley Movers come to the club to cart away all her winnings.

Rumours abound that Nelson Mandella plans to fly to meet the brilliant hasher Emma in New Zealand to try to prompt her to give up her planned life of monastic drudgery.
Her shocking decision to become a nun bamboozled everybody on the hash not least the lads.
When quizzed about her plans to 'wed' Jesus and to live a life devoted to eating stale bread and wearing huge, scratchy underpants, she had this to say in a high-pitched girly voice:
'Have you seen the guys on the hash!?...it's enough to put you off men forever!....i want jesus in my life for the time being thank-you very much'
'Between you and me though' whispered Emma when she was interviewed smoking a fly fag at the monastery gates outside Christchurch in Outer Tasmania, New Zealand, 'the speccy guy with the bike spurned my advances twice and broke my heart, that's the real reason I've taken a break from men'

Mandela hopes to persuade Emma to join the Pussycat Dolls as their new front girl since the 'one-with-the-big-lips' plans to get 'blown-up' and die a fiery-burny death along with her boyfriend, UK F1 darling, Lewis Hamilton on a trip into space next Wednesday afternoon after The Weakest Link.
The band need a new direction it's thought and Emma's blend of athletic prowess, fantastic but spazzy skipping abilities and horrendous singing voice has prompted the wiry-haired, South African, EMI frontman and rapper, Mandela, to target Emma.

Emma is considering the offer but the call of God, straw mattresses, and starched habits is a loud one.
Emma was given the chance to try out some nunning last week:

Next Week's CNY Run

2009-01-18T11:35:00.002+08:00

Next Week's Run is at Lower Diplo, that's Friday the 23rd of January.
L O W E R D I P L O
As it's the Chinese New Year Celebration run, Walking Fingers has kindly offered to give a prize to the person who has the best red outfit on.
CNY, Lower Diplo, Red Outfit.

Next Week's Run

2009-01-03T18:50:00.004+08:00

Last night at Rapier Range it was brought to the attention of hash mismanagement that there is nowhere on the net to find out where the hash is running week to week.
AS it's the New Year and it's a good time to make those resolutions, I thought that a good one would be to put the location in here each week.
SO, without further ado,
Next Week's Run for the Brunei Hetero Hash House Harriers is at Diplo and it's Emma's farewell run.
That's Friday, January 9th, Run number 1190: Diplo.

Croc!

2008-09-26T15:07:00.005+08:00

Ah yeah me liddle dingoes...

This wee post has nothing whatsoever to do with this week's or even last week's hash but it may have hashing connections.
Whilst taking the dogs for their daily ablutions and simultaneously stretching the hashing tools of trade I tend only to head for the back of the house (if am not recceing).
The dogs go and do what dogs do but I always make straight for the river/canal.
Not for a crap you understand but for a gander at the water's edge.

Tales from the local chaps who fish for prawns here tell of a monstrous crocodile with grass growing from it's hide and said to reach 5 metres in length.
Bollocks! I hear you cry and I have oft felt like uttering the same.
That said I still look for this fabled creature.

The other day I may well have caught sight of his offspring or possibly a relative?

Though probably more in the region of two metres, this wee guy made a huge splash when he slithered into the water when he eventually sussed that I was checking him out.
Malu ah.
I apologise for the lack of quality in the picture but it was taken by mobile phone.

I will get a decent photo eventually.
I have thought of baiting a rope to get it a bit closer but something tells me it could turn nasty.
What say ye fellow jungle-lovers?

Hash Bard has Beard

2008-09-05T07:53:00.003+08:00

Bard:
1. (formerly) a person who composed and recited epic or heroic poems, often while playing the harp, lyre, or the like.

We have in our midst many who go the extra mile when it comes to the hash and last week saw another come out of the woodwork/trees/woods..
This time despite already setting the hash (a great medium length run) and laying on the food, he also wrote a tremendously poetic report.

For those of you who may no longer have the document please find below the gentleman's work.
I shan't give you the Italian version (he also wrote!) as only three people that I know of actually read this blog.One of them is me and I doubt the other two understand Italian either.

Many thanks Albert:

There was movement at Diplo site
For the word had got around
That once again last Friday eve
The Hetero hash was back in town

The came from near, they came from far,
They crossed ol’ Bandar just to be there,
Leaving kids and jobs behind
To spend some time without a care.

They ticked their names to show them there,
And stretched their limbs, got blood to flow.
The eager looks betrayed the calm,
The dreaded horn was soon to blow.

And blow it did at five fifteen,
Front runners scurrying to surge ahead,
For the rest a leisured stroll,
As if with feet weighed down by lead.

It wasn’t long before a hill
From nowhere did appear in sight.
Easy banter lost out to grunts,
The need was gone to be polite.

And then more hills and then again
For this was Diplo after all,
The hares were cursed in tones obscene
Just as the pace became a crawl.

There was a check and paper called,
The trail was set, so on they went.
Another climb, another curse,
Another bit of vigour spent.

Till at last, as these things do
The end did come to sounds of cheers.
A quick wash down, a change of clothes
And then the assault for ice cold beers.

The eve was young, more was in store,
As people drunk and mulled about.
The strugglers home all in one piece,
The time had come to have the shout.

The dear J M had skipped the hash,
But a replacement quickly found.
The beast and beauty took control
Of the vociferous human playground.

The hares were called, their efforts cheered,
So too the horn, a job well done.
Tonight’s blower soon selected
To lead the pack and head the run.

Run #1168 Serasa RBYC

2008-08-06T10:57:00.004+08:00

For those that did not make the run at Slappington Palace, Lucky Gardens last week they may not know the whereabouts of this week's Olympic Run.
It will start from the Royal Brunei Yacht Club at Serasa, Muara.

I have heard differing reports as to where we are actually running, some say at Pulau Muara Besar(though the tides are allegedly all wrong) others say along to Muara but needless to say, wherever we are running it will be a good night.
The opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics is apparently going to be shown on the big screen.

Which means at last after months of nail-biting trepidation we will get to see Nigel's (our very own IT) new physique 'live' on the big screen after his world wide trek with the Olympic Torch.
We are all fiercely proud of him and his efforts despite the controversy surrounding his carrying of the 'flame'.
Other hashes in Brunei fought valiantly to get the torch bearing responsibility, but once again, the BH4 prevailed and 'IT' has done a magnificent job.

Let's hope he makes it up those big nasty stairs.

On-on.

Random Pictures Of Brunei Hetero Hashers

2008-08-05T12:39:00.012+08:00

Next weeks run

2008-07-26T10:58:00.004+08:00

Hans!!

and anyone else who couldnt make the hetero hash at Dadap last night.....
Next week's run (Friday 1st August) is at Lucky Gardens.

Good run this week from Sweet F.A. ably assisted by his co-hares Condom Boy and Spam.
Nice turn-out also with four first time-guests introducing themselves at the shout-up as is the hash tradition.
The lack of tent was not too much of a let-down as the rain did not arrive until much later than it usually does on a hash night.
Pee-Wee was on the brink of being iced for a minor traffic misdemeanour but it was judged too anal and uncool by the majority and her dunger was left dry.

Simon(The Pieman).

Hash Culture

2008-07-12T19:54:00.007+08:00

.... pics of humorous moments from recent hashes.
Implements retained by hand in some of the photographs may not necessarily represent those which may have appeared in the same hands in 'real-life'.
Tools and weapons may again not necessarily reflect the taste of the person who may appear to be wielding said implements and in no way represents a predilection for violence of a bloodthirsty and gory persuasion.
The editor reverses the right to inject ridicule into the 'mundane' wherever and whenever possible.

Romance maybe old-fashioned but it is still very much alive!

2008-07-10T23:15:00.006+08:00

Hash Widows!

Don't imagine for a second your husbands and boyfriends who frequent the hash are interested in only the one thing.
The hash is not the only subject on his mind.
Never let it be said you are far from his thoughts!

These coming weeks a regular part of the blog will be to showcase the most romantic pictorial moments from the hash.
To get the ball rolling we have a lovely little ensemble here with three hashing gentleman ready to go home early from the hash to their partners.
They can clearly be seen here showing off their wonderful bouquets.

On-on!!

Some Pics from Previous Years

2008-07-06T11:04:00.007+08:00

These pictures are some random examples of those found in the Rapidshare downloads as listed in the post below.

Picture Folders

2008-07-03T12:35:00.018+08:00

Hash Flash 2006/7 Pictures

If any of you are interested in viewing photos taken during 2006/7 please see here(117 pictures:96mb) to download the first picture folder.
And go here(60 pictures:48mb) to download the second picture folder.

1. When you get to the Rapidshare page click on the 'free-user' button and follow the on-screen instructions, you may have to wait a little while for the download to start(there might be a countdown from anything up to a minute and a half).

2. Once the download starts go here whilst you are waiting to download the free version of Winrar.(The file you are currently downloading is a 'compressed' Winrar file).

3. Once the download is complete from Rapidshare and you open it (click the X to close the window that asks you to buy the programme) you must click on extract to (second icon from the left on the toolbar at the top)and choose where you want to place the pics on your computer.

4. It will then extract the picture files to your chosen destination.
(There some screen shots above showing the method as described).

Please see here for MamaSan's pics:
It would be nice for MamaSan if you were to let her know what you think of her photography.
There is a fair amount of work involved in editing pics and then uploading them to a remote site.

St Paddy's Day Run @ Rimba

2008-03-20T00:37:00.004+08:00

To be sure it were a greaty wee noight!
Oi got mesel there a bit after twas the blawin o the horn am sure, but I got me erse inta gear and was chugging along by half past foive.
Oi caught up with that beefy big gent Tan who had the audacity te say that oi hed put on some weight!
The cheek of 'im.affronted oi was but oi kept me spirits up and was soon catchin up with that there bloke Albert with the hairy face.
Foine fella an no mistake.He cant act 'is way oot o a peper beg but aprt from that ees great.
As was for the norm ee was walking along in the company o several ladies oo no doubt were in love wiv im that be roight.

Brunei From Above (excellent for choosing next run-site)

2008-02-19T23:12:00.008+08:00

View Larger Map

Now that everyone on the hash is allocated a run number it is up to all of us to organise and set a run.This is not perhaps as difficult as you might think.
All you do is find a place suitable and close enough to your 'area' to set your run.
This google map of Brunei(above)is very handy for finding
a.your house and
b.somewhere close to your house where there is still jungle.

As housing increases and therefore the logical and exponential need for empty shop-houses increases, the amount of jungle is decreasing.
Do not be despondent however as there are still vast areas of greenery available for us to roam and enjoy our hobby.
Those new to being a hare need not fret either as all you need to do is ask for help.
Many a collaboration has led to magnificently set runs and fabulous collations of culinary delights afterwards.
Variety is the spice of life and Hashing allows us to be as various as we damn well like.
GPS or Global Positioning Systems are widely available though perhaps still slightly expensive.However in the right hands they can be very handy.

If setting a trail always remember to mark your way to enable you to backtrack and get back to civilisation before dark.
A night in the jungle with only your grumpy co-hares and several million mosquitoes for company is not for the faint-hearted.
Cellphones are a great idea as are sealable plastic bags to keep them in.
Other items you need are a good parang, water,and torch.

to be continued......

Reincarnation of Pavarotti Discovered In Borneo

2008-02-13T14:55:00.009+08:00

Extract taken without permission from the Borneo Bollockton February 13th 2008

In an astonishing discovery last week it was revealed that the world famous tenor Luciano Pavarotti who passed away at home in Modena Italy last September is now very much alive 'spiritually speaking', in Brunei.

The astonishing revelation was made last Friday at Lower Diplo (up from Supasave) when some hashers fainted when one hasher: Jet, began to sing.

The phenomenon known only to fellow hashers as Jet and to his doting Mum as JohnnyBoy broke into 'song' near the end of another routinely dull and insipid 'shout-up'.

One of the Joint Masters (known as Pieman) speaking in mono-syballic, Scottish vernacular was mumbling incoherently and gesturing that Jet be put on the ice for telling a shitey joke, when

seconds later the in-all-weather-cycling, swash-buckling, debonair yet decidely odd Jet, cleared his throat and begun to sing..."like an Angel" noted one male admirer: Pampers, who spoke under the delusion/presumption of anonymity.

" I heard him begin to sing and in an instant my chest tightened, my heart began to go all fluttery and as my kness went all wobbly a tear came to my eye"

Another dumbfounded and quite frankly 'just-plain-jealous' hasher: Sweet F.A had this to say:

"Up until now I have been the bestest voice on the whole hash...karaoke, happy birthday renditions, shower singing, even howling along off-key to that horrendous Krystal FM jingle in the car, I am by far the best that I know...Now this BITCH comes along and steals my thunder!'

Smarting from the envious looks all the hashers were giving Jet, Sweet F.A (a local entrepeneur with dreams of Superstardom alongside the likes of Cilla Black and Basil Brush) described the scene:

'There was Jet on the ice one minute, grumbling and mumbling and arguing with himself like a homeless person when next thing he burst into the sweetest melody anyone had ever heard.

It was as if it was 'heaven sent'.

'From deep in his distended belly (after four helpings of chicken, slightly 'off' coleslaw and carrot cake ) the sounds began to resonate.

Glasses shattered, car alarms went off, dogs howled, Crusher woke up and still Jet's voice continued to rise to a tremendous crescendo'.

"Bloody Hell!" remarked resident hash-comedian and 6 thousand Brunei dollar bionic-man Ironsides " If I couldnt see 'me old muckah' Jet in front of me now I would swear that I was listening to the great Pavarotti himself!"

His long suffering wife 'Condom Girl' agreed wholeheartedly and had this to say "MMm..mmm...mmm..MMm MM...mmmm" because she was eating some foie gras on home made bruschetta at the time.

Be sure and get this week's Sunday Supplement for the full picture portfolio of this new supernaturally talented star.

'Waitangi' Day Lower Diplo 8th Feb 2008

2008-02-10T11:32:00.000+08:00

Run # 1140

Great run tonight, loads of well cut trails, loads of paper and a decent road-run at the end.

A small 'turn-out' tonight but hardly surprising given that it was the 2nd day of CNY.

That said still enough turned up to have a hardy bunch of checkers 'off' looking for the paper at each check.

I was foiled twice, once because I was standing on paper and 'calling' and secondly as i foolishly ran forward and up, then down to what amounted to half a click (km) or so from where the paper was eventually found.

I was also caught out on several occasions with what would appear to be a devillishly crafted device by who i presume could only be LoneRanger(?).

He lays paper and occasionally it just stops dead, only to be discovered continuing further back to the left or right, not a check as such, more like an annoying Microsoft glitch.
A trick am sure to confound the FRB's.

I did attempt rather fumblingly at the shout-up to get him to explain this and he replied 'good question' and left it at that.Albert called the last paper to the 'out-trail' and once we were all out huge, ominously black clouds gathered over the site.
Rain did start but not for long.

Martial and Magic Roundabout had put on a BBQ and along with L.Ranger and Sid all wore t-shirts mimicing traditional kiwi dress.

Shout-up included Hedus being named Nameless by virtue of the fact he has done over 500 runs and has until now remained Nameless.

Martials b'day was celebrated with cake and song and Jet wailed like a banshee on the ice to get himself off (the ice that is).

Thanks to a balls-up by Martial at the start (not introducing his guest as a guest when given the chance to do so) and then producing his guest as a guest at the shout-up, bizarrely meant Pee Wee and I ended up on the ice.

To argue the point at the time seems ludicrous but i think a review of the rules maybe required.

I noted on glancing at the words as I got changed that last weeks run's shout-up was described as being 'as it mostly is, routine'.

I fear perhaps the need to hire a brass-band or maybe a karaoke machine in future to entertain that most critical of audiences, or perhaps we just need those that lay runs to write the words so it does not continually fall back on the seemingly 'jaded' Fletch.

IT (Nigel) didnt make it to the run again or for taking pics but a few were snapped anyway.I shall look into a way of getting the pics up in bulk and linked to this blog for the future.

On-on !